Wristwatch Roulette V of XII: Synoke Face Pusher
I’m not a Creep. I belong here. #
If you’ve just joined us, welcome to my series: Wristwatch Roulette, where I furnish my forearm with two fancy finds a fortnight, from fan-favourite Ali Express, market of choice for my 2023 series Shenzhen Safari, and 2024 series Shenzhen Sojourn.
Your Skin Makes Me Cry #
Synoke: Face Pusher #
There are four ways to press my face. And many ways to push my buttons. Throw me to the wolves and I will return leading the pack.
This watch is the epitome of IDGAF energy: the courage to be disliked, with a veneer of restraint.
The rounded rectilinear one-piece satin-black case-come-strap enrobes a portion of your wrist with a respectfully proportioned buckle and chunky strap clip.
(Bind the device to your wrist securely.)
Wait, Who Said That? #
…Anyway…where was I?
Ah.
Okay. So a carefree ‘80s typeface bleeds silver beyond the edges of each character inside and out, giving a grunge spread. The positioning is inconsistent and hasty, with the button
(ahem…“pusher”)
labels being cut and distorted by the glass
(ahem…plastic)
bezel. The glass
(*seriously, Iain, it's not glass or crystal, it's plastic*)
is set with enough of a gap to allow embedding of dirt and lint deep within the circumferential crevice, further consternating the pusher labels.
(Are you…are you kidding me right now?)
Pushers are of ruby, white, mustard, and greige.
(an on-trend 2024 blend of green, grey, and beige)
Such an interesting Web 2.0+ palette that pairs well with most menswear;
(Mens? Wear? I, the parathetical, metaphorical device am taking over if you don't buck up your ideas.)
meaning this watch, worn on a suitably girthsome wrist, looks appropriate.
(Are you fucking serious right now, Iain? Really?! Fucking, what? "Girthsome?" I'm dry-heaving here. Giving me the ick. I'm never going to touch a clock again in my life.)
(Like, what are you even doing here, writing about watches and how that's some kind of mirror of your grandiose inner-life. Pretentious bullshit. Why aren't you adding value somewhere in reality. Want a trophy for blogging in 2024, grandad?)
(I can see right up the disgusting untended crevices of your nostrils. Gah! You've poisoned me with your purple prose: "Crevice?" "Crevice?" Rrrreeeee)
(Urgh! Use words much? You're so verbose. Grarraaarghhh. "Verbose" isn't even a word. Who says that?)
Hurting No One #
Hush now, dear Apple-watch wearing parenthetical pixie.
I enjoy my hobby as a good use of life's freedom.
“I scream, I scream, I scream so much You know what I mean, this electric stream And my tears in league with the wires and energy And my machine, this is my beautiful dream I'm hurting no one, hurting no one Hurting no one, hurting no one I wanna give you everything, I wanna give you energy I wanna give a good thing, I wanna give you everything Everything, everything, everything, everything, everything ―Lyrics from Cowgirl (1994), by British electronic music group Underworld (Music Video, atop this page).
If your wrist wasn’t so small #
Don’t let genetics hold you back. There are many ways to increase your girth. Isolate those muscles and overload them gradually. Then come back here and get your own Synoke Face Pusher through my non-affiliate link here. You can also use my CASIO affiliate link for 20% off CASIO and G-SHOCK, and even straight-up push donations into my tip-jar (pending setup).
Two weeks (or months), two watches, two reviews, to you. 2024-H2 side-mission: Wristwatch Roulette.
- Read the previous post: “Wristwatch Roulette IV of XII: Skmei Pip-Boy”
- Or roll for a random post